Harder than I thought...

-19 WEEKS

Over the course of becoming someone ready to have a baby, I've heard a lot of opinions and facts about what being pregnant is like, and so far each little thing is being substantiated one by one.  On the good side, there's enhanced body image, feeling kicks, vivid dreams, increased body awareness, not having to lift heavy things, maternity pillows, no period, glossy hair, water tasting extra good, a very zoomed out perspective on life, etc.  And on the not as good side, there's mood swings, sore gums, no warning about needing to pee, fatigue, immunosuppression, morning sickness, runny nose, fatigue, weird skin stuff, shortness of breath, fatigue, "pregnancy brain", fatigue etc.


So before this even started, I had a pretty comprehensive schema in my head about what it was going to be like.  And so far, indeed each individual piece is coming into focus.  I simply had never thought about what it would be like to feel every single piece ALL AT THE SAME TIME.  It's not episodic, where for a while I'm extra tired, then that stops while my teeth hurt for a while, then that stops so I can forget the word for what my dissertation is about during a meeting with my advisor.  And for some reason I've spent my adult life accidentally imagining that's how it would be, without realizing how little sense that makes.  Since that's not how real life actually works, and even though the properties of an event certainly are isolated if you think about each one in turn in an abstract sense, I'm totally overwhelmed by the relentless co-existence of all the new body/mind stuff all at once.  Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying this crazy thing, but I have zero spare resources of any kind, which is unusual for me and unexpected.


Let's just say I never imagined being awakened from a weirdly vivid dream by a coughing fit that makes me pee a little while a baby kicks my kidney from the inside, so I try to get up to pee and realize I'm too tired to stand up, except I already slept in 2 hours later than I meant to, plus my lips are glued to my gums and I can't remember whether it's Sunday or Wednesday and that makes me start sobbing hysterically.  I'm certain Ben will be glad when I arrive and love being part of everything, but I imagine he will also realize some unexpected nostalgia and a retroactive appreciation for his 10 weeks of alone time.